I'd say that the main reason as to why I haven't posted anything in two solid months is due to the pure lack of motivation I've had for writing. When I force myself to write, the end result is always something that's just straight up awful.
Anyway, here's a brief synopsis about what I've been up to since January 7th, 2012:
- Got a job where I work a fair amount of hours and am paid reasonably well
- School started and I'm doing well in my classes
- I've been looking for a new place to live because I'm uncomfortable and can barely afford where I'm currently staying right now
- I think I started to miss Nebraska the day after my mom left me here
- I've become more social than I initially was when I first arrived in California
- I'm looking to improve myself each and every day
- I'll have to seriously consider getting a new car within the next year or so
- I REALLY need to start exercising and eating better
- I miss my little dogs back in Nebraska (shoot, I miss A LOT of things there
- Some kid decked my little brother at their basketball game--I was distraught, to say the least
- Mother has rented out the other house that she owns
- I toyed with the thought of getting a rat or some other rodent
- I'm getting annoyed with all the constant sunlight (is that weird?)
- I sometimes wonder whether I'll be able to achieve the goals that I've set for myself...
We have a class together and one day he decided to approach me. I was taken aback, but welcomed his advances. Our first date was at the street fair downtown which is held every Thursday. I found out that he was over two years older than me and an ex-marine. He had been to South Korea and Japan. Enjoyed a trip to Germany after graduating high school here in SoCal and went straight to the barracks shortly afterwards.
He's bold, straightforward, and curses often. He has a fondness for alcohol and experimented with marijuana for some time. While in the marine corps, I learned that he was a mechanic and had come to the determination to pursue mechanical engineering in college. I told him about my older brother and his degrees in that same subject.
He yearns to travel to Egypt and several other countries. He has a map of the United States hanging on his bedroom wall with circled cities that he'd like to visit--all during a single road trip. He wants a dog (a Boxer, to be exact) and has a great love for sushi. He drives a silver Scion tC, has a younger sister and newly born twin brothers.
And, he's an atheist. One thing that I now look for when dating.
However fascinating me might sound, I am no longer in a romantic relationship with him.
Yes, I broke up with him tonight, after a double date with a couple that he wanted me to meet. I didn't know how to do it...I mean, I had never really broken up with anyone before. I found myself a loss for words, my gaze averted to the floor while I felt him watching me.
After he asked me to be his girlfriend, I still didn't feel like I was in a relationship. I didn't feel any different and I knew that I didn't think about him nearly as often as I knew he thought about me. His interest in me was great...overwhelming, even.
Once he decided to name his car after me and thought it would be fun to look me up on Google, I came to the conclusion that he was into me so much more than I was into him.
Tonight was fun, nonetheless. We attended a movie at a ritzy theater; recliner seats, adjustable trays/tables attached to the chair, servers at your beck and call with the mere push of a button. Sushi and ice cream were options on the menu, amongst several other tasty options.
After all four of us were back at his place, the other couple left and he asked me to hang out a bit before I headed home. That's when it happened.
We had agreed that honesty and trust were some of the main things to establish with anyone, so it was now time for the moment of truth.
He actually guessed what I was going to do before I could get it together.
He looked...crestfallen, and I felt so badly. He took it really well and was very understanding: I didn't feel anything, so that was that.
He did say that if I ever had a change of heart, to let him know. He also said that he doubted I would, but just on the off chance. I didn't say anything to that, just looked at him.
He said that he wouldn't be able to get me out of his head right away, but that he would try.
I felt so awful...I apologized and assured him that he wasn't doing anything wrong, just that I didn't feel a romantic connection like he did. He really likes me, and he re-instilled that notion in my mind again. That just made me feel even worse...
He walked me to my car and I told him that I didn't want class to be awkward and he said that since I never really talk, awkwardness probably wasn't going to be an issue. I asked if he'd still talk to me and he said he would...
After a somewhat awkward hug, he said,
"I'll see you later."
I said, "Bye."
Then I got into my car and started to cry.
Why? I don't know. I cried all the way home and for a good ten minutes after arriving.
I'm so confused...
So, I'm going to call my mother in the morning before I go to work and see what light she can shed on this.
I hope she can help me with this...
I really do.
